What is a pursuer Distancer relationship?

What is a pursuer Distancer relationship?

A pursuer/distancer relationship pattern can occur when a couple experiences relationship stress. When the pursuer experiences relationship stress, they turn to their partner for increased closeness and reassurance. The distancer feels overwhelmed by their partner’s pursuit and withdraws to relieve anxiety.

Is there always a pursuer in a relationship?

According to experts, the most common reason couples fall out of love and stop being sexually intimate is because of a pursuer-distancer dynamic that develops over time. Gottman found that men tend to withdraw and women tend to pursue when they are in intimate relationships.

What happens when the pursuer stops pursuing?

Often, the pursuer’s biggest fear is that if they stop pursuing, there will be no intimacy and the distancer will leave. That is a risk you have to take if you want to manifest deep change.

How can I be in a relationship with a Distancer?

Strategies for the distancer He must learn to share his feelings in a vulnerable way and openly listen to his partner. The distancer needs to purposely schedule time for emotional contact with his intimate partner in order to cultivate closeness, trust and safety in the relationship.

Who is a Distancer?

Distancers are known for being stubborn and have difficulty making the first move when under pressure. When one partner makes a commitment to change their approach and their responses, on a consistent basis, their relationship will change.

Why do Avoidants withdraw?

Avoidants feel safe when their autonomy or independence is not threatened, so when he withdraws, know that it’s not necessarily a sign of rejection. A pursue-withdraw dynamic is when one person pursues the other’s feelings and the other withdraws out of fear that they will only make the situation worse.

How do I stop Overfunctioning my relationship?

To interrupt overfunctioning, you have to be able to do a few things:

1. Observe the behavior in important relationships.
2. Determine how you’d actually like to behave.
3. Be willing to sit with the discomfort of letting other people be responsible for themselves.

What causes avoidant attachment?

Avoidant attachment develops when an infant or young child has a parent or caregiver who is consistently emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to their needs. Infants with an avoidant attachment style may also have faced repeated discouragement from crying or expressing outward emotion.

How do you stop an anxious avoidant trap?

Break Up or Continue On?

1. Take ownership for their own attachment needs and strategies.
2. Take responsibility for the ongoing work of both self-growth and relationship growth.
3. Remain willing to experiment repeatedly with ways to meet both self and other.
4. Find ways to access an internal home base and witness internal pain.

How do I stop withdrawing from my relationship?

Withdrawing is often a consequence to those longer standing issues. When you find you want to withdraw, stop yourself and try to lean toward your partner instead of yourself. Start small: if your tendency is to physically leave or distance yourself, stay for as long as you can.

What happens if the pursuer-Distancer dynamic is not changed?

He also warns us that if it’s not changed, the pursuer-distancer dynamic will persist into a second marriage or subsequent intimate relationships. Partners in intimate relationships tend to blame the other person when their needs are not being met. A pursuer-distancer dance follows, which intensifies the dynamic.

What is the difference between a pursuer and a Distancer?

Pursuers are known for being outcome dependent and have a hard time making changes without expectations. Distancers are known for being stubborn and have difficulty making the first move when under pressure. When one partner makes a commitment to change their approach and their responses, on a consistent basis, their relationship will change.

How do you deal with a Distancer in a relationship?

Likewise, by pulling back, a distancer may cause their pursuer partner to pursue more vehemently. Watson suggests that couples entrenched in this pattern try switching roles to find out firsthand what it’s like to walk in their partner’s shoes.

Is your Distancer partner maintaining the status quo?

A distancer may feel unhappy about how things are going in a relationship, but he or she is still more likely to maintain the status quo than to move toward a partner who is in pursuit mode. This is the reality faced by the pursuer men I work with. His distancer partner’s ability to maintain the status quo is confusing for him.